Just a thingy

I don't know why, but for the last couple of months or so, I've been feeling kinda down. I've been thinking a lot, and probably a bit too much. Thinking about things that are probably unnecessary and too early for people my age.

Now, I don't think it's really important to talk about what I've been thinking recently. I don't know why, but I always feel a bit paranoid about sharing my thoughts online or to a wider audience... For now.

However, I feel like for the last few months, like I've lost something. Like, something is missing from my life. And after reading a post from another blog, I've come to the conclusion that... It is most possible that I haven't shared my thoughts or feelings as much as I used to, before I moved back here.

What I've been feeling, is that there's like this... thing, inside my chest. Like this heavy thing, I don't know what. Lately, I also get tired quite easily. I don't know why. It's like, something is lacking in my life.

As far as I can remember, usually, back there, I used to think and ponder on things while strolling. And then, whenever I had thoughts or any sort of feelings, I liked to share it with a couple of my friends. And it felt good afterwards. Whenever I had this "burden" inside me, I shared it, and then I felt better.

But I just realised that I haven't shared as much as I used to. I mean it's not like I share my thoughts or emotions all the time. But it's just that, I've been having different kinds of emotions and been thinking quite a lot lately, more than I used to. However, I haven't shared my thoughts or emotions as much as I used to. 

So yeah, probably this explains why I've been feeling kinda down lately. Like, something is building up inside me. I've been keeping all these thoughts and emotions to myself.

"Well then, why don't I just share all these thoughts and emotions to others, to my friends?"

It's not that easy. And this is probably one of the things which I've been thinking about... For some unknown reason, since I was a child, I don't like to "disturb" other people. I don't want to make them feel "annoyed".

Back in Paris, I shared stuffs with a couple of my friends, who sometimes looked interested at what I was talking about... But most of the times, they told me that they don't really care about it. And I really like talking with them because of this. Honesty. Nothing fake or artificial. Simple and plain, jovial conversations.

Another thing that I like about talking with them, is that they also talked about themselves. They also gave some sort of opinion on things that I shared to them. For those people, they probably know that I like to talk about things ranging from random nonsense, pop culture references, to politics, history, and philosophy/life in general. But moving back here, being separated from those people, makes it very difficult to talk to them.

Being very very honest, since I moved back here, I haven't found friends whom I can really connect with, just like with those peeps. Probably I have met them, but I have not met that version of them whom I can truly connect with.

Lately, I feel like I'm living in another world compared to my friends. Besides our classes, some aspects of life in Jakarta and Indonesia, university stuffs... And probably football and movies and TV series... I got nothing much to talk to them. Which is sad. Very sad indeed.

And I feel like lately, things that I want to talk about are getting more and more serious. Too serious for normal conversations, and I don't want to make my friends feel annoyed. 

It's like I have forgotten how to talk to people, how to socialize. It's like... I've forgotten how to make a casual conversation.

Man, I feel like an alien.

But probably, I've found an explanation to that...

It's the thinking that I've been doing.

Wait. A cycle. 

I've been thinking more, so things that I want to talk about gets more serious, which makes it hard for me to connect with others, which makes me feel kinda lonely, which makes me think more and more...

What the flying cow. This is scary.

I have to break the cycle.

Back when I was in high school... I had stuffs to do. University applications, all those written tasks and lab reports, and IAs... Final exams. And this meant that I had other things to focus on, besides thinking and pondering too much about life, and feeling alone.

Now? I "simply", well not that simple, need to learn and prepare for the univ. entrance exams + do all the Univ. applications...

Which is still a lot, actually, so never mind.

It's just that I can't really focus on those things, because I've been feeling a bit down recently..

Man... Another cycle. I can't concentrate, because I've been feeling a bit down lately, because I've been having different kinds of emotions and thinking a lot, because I'm not properly preparing for uni, because I can't concentrate...

This is proper scary, this. Even this post is toooo serious to be true.

So, I guess... I need a little push. A little bit of motivation. And also... I need to sort of... Get rid of(?) all these things inside my chest. This weird feeling, this pressure.

And then, hopefully I can move on and concentrate in doing all those things. Yay.

Yeah. I need that sort of motivation.

Man, writing does help clear things inside your head.

Now, coming back to a point which I've mentioned earlier, about myself not wanting to "disturb" others... This could probably be one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to start a conversation with someone...

Man. Why is it so hard for me to have a conversation with someone. I should probably stop thinking too much about it, and just do it... Eh? Yes? No? Who nose.

So, final remarks... I should find that extra motivation, somehow. So that I can concentrate more on my future... Because I need to concentrate and it is crucial.

I need to get rid of all of these thoughts and emotions... Probably? Is it the right thing to do..?

Okay. Let's focus on our future.

For now, let's stop wasting our time and energy thinking about "what ifs", because it's not worth it... For now, at least.

Yeah. One of the things which I've been thinking quite a lot recently...: My future.

I have to make choices, on which uni to go to, and what am I going to study for the next few years...

Which is, to think about it, it's like a domino effect. A series of "what ifs". Different scenarios. Alternate universes...

SEE? Too much thinking. Oh God.


Okay. So.. I need to focus on my future, while still "making the most of now" and "enjoying the moment".

But really, I don't want to make the wrong choice this time.

I've made plans before. And some plans worked out, some didn't. Some things in my life which I didn't plan, turned out to be fantastic. It's fascinating how destiny works.

I have some plans for my future. What I can do now, is to do the best that I can. To study. To work. To make maximum efforts. To pray for the best. 

I prayed. And I hope God has planned me the "best way" to achieve my dreams.

And I hope for the best of future for everyone. For my family. For this country. For Muslims all across the globe. And for humanity.

Btw, I've just finished watching "Guru Bangsa Tjokroaminoto", like, a few hours ago, at the cinema. Might do a review of this movie some times in the future... But for now, I just want to give a quote from that movie. 

"Hanya ada satu cara untuk berhijrah. Setinggi-tinggi ilmu, sepintar-pintar siasat, dan semurni-murni tauhid."

This quote is quite deep. Either that or I'm just seeing to much into it. That's why I can't give the "English" translation of this quote. If you're trying Google Translate... You'll have to decipher it. :p

Man, such a great movie. I'm such a history geek.

:p

Cheers.